Grandpa's Funny Jokes
Kid Stuff
Little Johhny at the doctor's: Doctor, please tell me the ruthless truth! When do I have to go back to school?
Mommy, why doesn't our maid fly through the house ?
Child, people can't fly, only angels !
But Daddy told her: : "You are as sweet as an angel !"
So ?? - She was flying then !!
John, you have 30 mistakes in this test. How can that be ?
Gee, Dad, you know, the teacher always searches for them like a madwoman !
At the five-and-dime : "I would like 10 cents' worth of mixed candies please !"
"Here are two candies, but you have to mix them yourself !"
Anna, please name 6 african animals ! - Uh, ok, ..... 2 elephants und 4 monkeys !
Write a paragraph that is as short as possible and still interesting !
The Bullfight
1 bull, 2 bullfighters. 1 bull, 1 bullfighter. 1 bull.
Mother and daughter look at old photos together. Mom, who is the handsome young man with the great haircut in this picture ? - That's your father ! - Ooh, - and who is the fatso with the crewcut, who is standing in our kitchen washing dishes ??
It was the teacher's last day. "I will no longer be your teacher, children, because I am going to get married. But when the stork comes and brings me a baby, you may all come to visit me !"
Little Johnny replies : "The stork ? Teacher, you're in for a big surprise !"
at the Restaurant
In the Alps : The headwaiter : So, two portions of stew for you, sir ! - Why two? I only ordered one portion !
Says the headwaiter : Damned echo !!!
"Waiter, listen here, this steak smells like alcohol !" -
The waiter takes three steps backwards and asks : "And now ?"
Waiter, what do you recommend today ? - Snails, they're our specialty !
Yeah, I know, I was served by one yesterday !
Miscellaneous
The Martians send a probe to Earth to check it out. The probe landed on a hot summer day in the middle of the Los Angeles Freeway ! It radioed to Mars : The Earth is uninhabitable. There is no water, the air is poisonous, and the ground is rock-hard
Mother snail to her children : "Don't play in the street - the bus is coming in 4 hours !"
Now then, you say you know absolutely everything about tennis ?
Fine, then tell me, how many knots there are in the net ??
Say, do you happen to know Mr. Smith? - Hmm, Smith..., Smith... Smith... no, never heard the name before !
A trucker drove his semi backwards up a mountain. Halfway up there is the reststop where I work. The trucker stopped and I asked him why he was driving backwards. He answered, he heard there was not much room up here, and he wouldn't be able to turn around. I told him that wasn't true, that further up there was room enough !
Two hours later I see the truck coming back aagain - still driving backwards! I asked what he was doing, and he answered, "It's true! There IS enough room to turn around !! "
John and Fred are on vacation in Tunisia and go hiking through the Sahara.
Says John : Fred, wait just a minute, I have sand in my shoe !
What made you decide to open a glue factory ?
Well, it all started when my wife wanted to try a new sauce recipe ...
What do you think? Will television one day replace newspapers ?
Certainly not. Have you ever tried to swat a fly with a television ?
A car is driving along a country road. The rear bumper is loose, only hanging by a corner. The bumper makes an awful racket. I pass the driver and signal to him to open his window. he does, and I call to him "Your bumper is loose!" "Whaaaaat?" "I said, your bumper is LOOSE !!!"
- "I can't hear you, my bumper is too loud, it's loose, you know !"
What do you think? Will computers one day replace newspapers ?
I hope not, I'm a paperboy. I'd have to trade my bike for a truck !
Do you know Shakespear's works? Uhh... no... so it can't be a very big company !
A very old German is sitting in the wrong part of the airplane. He's flying first class when he should be in second. Everyone keeps trying to send him to his proper seat, but in vain.
Then another passenger has an idea. He goes and whispers something into the gentleman's ear. The stubborn fellow gets up immediately and goes to his proper seat. The stewardess goes to the passenger and asks him how he managed it. The passenger replied, "I told him only the back seats are flying to Germany ......"
"Why do you have a vulture in your birdcage ?" - "As a warning to my cat. Last week he ate my parakeet."
My heavens, Mister zookeeper, the lion's cage isn't locked !
No problem, sir - who's gonna steal a lion ?
Six chickens are for up sale at the market. A woman comes along and ask _ "Could you please choose the three oldest and toughest chickens?"
The vendor thinks to himself, she must have her reasons, smiles, and chooses the three chickens.
"Shall I pack them for you ?" - "No, thank you, I'll take the other three !"
Two swallows watch a jet fighter plane. - My, HE'S fast ! - You would be too, if your backside was burning !!
An innkeeper promised to sponsore his favourite pub's soccer team a free beer for every player for each goal.
The news got around. The innkeeper of the rival pub's soccer team, not to be outdone, promised the same.
When the score was 42 : 45 both innkeeper entered the field and asked the referee to discontinue the game !!
A man sits with a yardstick above a railway barrier. The crossing guard is frightened: "What are you doing up there?" - " I was sent from the office, to measure the barrier !"
"You should have told me, I would have brought it down for you!"
"No, that wouldn't help, I need the height!"
Carl stands in front of a branch of Bank of America and sells newspapers. Carl, can you loan me $10 ?
Sorry, I'm afraid I can't. I made a deal with the bank - I don't lend money, and they won't sell newspapers !
A man enters an antique shop and says "Hello! What's new ?"
Men and Women
A woman is watching out of the window while her man beats a rug.
"Henry, you have to beat it much harder than that !" - "Rather not, that makes the dust fly around !"
In Germany a soccer game is being played, 11 men against 11 women. Nobody has scored yet.
After 10 minutes of play, a train goes by and the conductor gives a short toot with the whistle.
The women think it's halftime, and leave the field. HaHa.
Haha ?? It takes the men 15 minutes more to realize the women are gone .....
My girlfriend is a twin ! - And when you want to kiss her, how do you know you have the right girl in your arms ? - Who cares ? Is that MY problem ??
Wine is fine, but liquor's quicker!
On a freight ship : The captain writes into the logbook "The navigator was drunk today."
The navigator gets mad : "Fred, that's mean of you, why did you write that ?" - "Because it's true - in this book you always have to write the truth !"
The next day written in the logbook : "Captain Frederick Hansen was sober today."
One night I met a man hanging onto a lamppost and crying. I asked him what was wrong. He said :
"I knocked 5 times, and my wife won't let me in ! I KNOW she's home, I see the light on up there in the window !"
What, you think I was drunk ? - Well, yeah, you tried for half an hour to open grapes with a nutcracker !
... and then there was the man who ordered one Irish whiskey after the other, and after the fifth complained that his beer was warm ...
A woman says to her girlfriend : "I had no idea that my man drinks - until yesterday !" - "Why, what happened yesterday that was so different ? " - "He came home sober !"